I first thought I might be bi when I was 19, came out when I was 20, closeted myself again at 22 and came out again at 23, but looking back I should have saved myself the struggle. I should have known when I was 5.

I was born in 1990 so I’m a middle of the road millenial and I’m sure many others in the same general age range of “mid-elder” millenials remember the early  LGBTQ representation in the mainstream when we were teenagers. The L word, that one Subaru commercial, Callie Torres on Grey’s Anatomy, and Tila Tequila’s Shot at Love (she 110% should have picked Dani, fight me about it).

But while I certainly had suppressed feelings about Kim, the first lesbian model on America’s Next Top Model and confused feelings about Orlando Bloom with his long blonde Legolas hair, I should have known I was queer way, way earlier than that. 

Pocahontas came out in 1995. I don’t have many memories of my childhood, but I have very distinctive, oddly specific memories about how I felt when I watched this movie for the first time. I empathized strongly not with Pocahontas or John, but with Nakoma, the best friend with good intentions. I felt a deep sorrow for her that even now is difficult for me to piece apart.

It was like even at the age of 5 I knew that the rest of my childhood and early adulthood would be spent in that role – the best friend who roots for the “safe/right boyfriend.” Somehow I already felt that disconnect between wanting the two best friends to be in a relationship over either John Smith or Kocoum. 

I think a lot of people may interpret Nakoma’s character as meddling or even annoying, but I think she’s tragic like me. And I am still floored by the fact that I knew that at the age of 5 and suppressed/ignored it for so long after.

Was I already aware I was queer and that my lifestyle choices wouldn’t be represented in animation until almost a decade later at the end of 2014 (Legend of Korra finale BTW)? Had I already had my first crush crushed? 

And what would my life have been like had I been able to listen, process, and accept myself at that age?